If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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