I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
