Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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