I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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