all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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