please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
