if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
