I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize