im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Blood and glitter go together right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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