I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
