life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize