Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
