My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize