you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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