we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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