I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
