Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
