I think I won the penis lottery.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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