Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize