The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
