I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize