WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
