I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
