The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
