i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
