Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
