you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
