Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
