So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
