dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
