Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
