Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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