you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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