saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
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