i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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