Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
