he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize