Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
