ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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