separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize