I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Randomize
