A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
