I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it glows. i had to have it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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