And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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