oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
