You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
