I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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