I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
