I wish my penis had an off switch
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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