God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i love accidental penises.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
