If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
