If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
