i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize