I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize