So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
