So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We're too hungover to prance.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
