Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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