He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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