if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
