just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
