Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
